My last post was over a month ago on February 27th. The next three days of my time in Haiti were some of my least favorite. I spent those days in a blur of stomach pain, fevers, and vomiting. Lovely, I know. Nurses really do make the worst patients. Frustration doesn't even begin to describe how I felt at not being able to complete some of my final shifts here at the Heartline field hospital before I left. I spent those feverish hours laying on a mattress in the on-call room, listening to the stupidity of the roosters at 2 a.m. on the other side of my wall. Occasionally, I would stumble out to the nurses area for water or another bathroom trip, only to be told to go lay back down and that I looked terrible. I did manage to drag myself out for our 12 minute birth in the middle of the night, but other than that, I can't figure much I did that was useful.
Saying goodbye was hard. But in my heart, I knew I was coming back. On the plane my first touch with the reality that I wasn't in Haiti anymore was my constant saying of Mesi (thank you) whenever the flight attendant handed me something. However, my airport adventure began as my Haiti one was drawing to a close.
There's something wrong with our engine that just doesn't look. . . right.
My plane from Haiti landed in Miami with a 6 hour overnight from there; I was supposed to fly to LaGuardia in NYC and be back at the Akron-Canton airport by 12:30 in the afternoon. That wasn't to be. After a scary landing, complete with fire trucks and ambulances waiting for us on the runway, I found myself in line at the Raleigh-Durham international airport. Can I just tell you, I hope to NEVER see that airport again. After being told I will have to pay for another ticket to make it the whole way home, (Someone please explain to me how I would have to pay more $ for American Airlines' plane trouble?) a kind lady took pity on me and I was rebooked with a new itinerary home.
What wasn't included on my new ticket was claiming my bags, paying to recheck them with US Air, and hiking outside and through a parking deck to get to my terminal. FUN. NOPE. Shortly after arriving in Terminal A, the electricity went out and we were told we may have a 3 hour delay. At this point I began to question if the universe was playing a big joke and in actuality I was still in Haiti-- lack of schedules and frequent loss of power--as opposed to an international airport. Finally, I made it to Philly where one of the pilots recognized me as I walked through the airport looking for food. He cheered me on as I walked by, "You can do it! You're almost home!" he shouted. You know you've had an experience when pilots in other airports recognize you and cheer you on. And to think, I chose American Airlines because I thought they were the most reliable. . . but alas, I did get to my destination in one piece, albeit 6 hours and a funny it-only-happens-to-Alisha story later.
Home for less than 48 hours.....
After briefly being at home, I headed for a 17 hour drive to Sarasota, Florida with my college friends. Spring break (as we still choose to call it) provided a time to unwind from my experience in Haiti and all that I had witnessed. Really, it pushed back "normal" life in Ohio longer. In some ways it was just what I needed....white sand beaches and great friends. It allowed a little time for reflection without the day to day things I had to do before I left all those weeks before.
At the end of the week we left Florida and some of us stayed on in Savannah for a couple extra days. It was during those days I became quite angry at God.
Disclaimer: Blogs are public displays of your thoughts, experiences, and feelings and as the author I can choose how much to reveal and in what manner. So, I hope in the following post(s) to be completely honest and open about what I'm seeing and thinking. I also hope to be transparent spiritually as I'm learning and growing throughout the crazy situations I find myself in. Allow me the grace to do that. If you choose to read, I simply ask for a lack of judgement.
While in Savannah and then back at home, I found myself quite angry at God, and I sure let Him know it. There were multiple factors involved, but much of my anger stemmed at seeing the pain and suffering of so many people I had known in Haiti. Sure, miracles were happening all around me, sure I had experienced God's provision and grace, sure I had grown in many ways, but at that point as I thought back to my weeks in Haiti, I couldn't escape from feeling the pain, devastation, and loss I had seen firsthand. God seemed distant and void. And frankly, I was pissed.
Added to this was loneliness. Sheer quiet that I hadn't experienced in over 6 weeks. This was the worst at night. All those weeks in Haiti I was constantly surrounded by noise and people. Haitian culture is very in-your-face. People are always talking, and talking loudly. At the hospital people were going in a hundred directions. Young patients were hanging on you--arms wrapped around waist or neck. Even when not at the hospital, medical and non-medical volunteers bonded over dinner. While in Florida I was still surrounded by my friends while at the beach or in the bathroom taking 2 hours to get ready for the night. Suddenly, nothing. I had the hardest times back at my house in Ohio at night. I felt completely alone. And angry.
God has his sovereignty and I'm not entitled to know what it is. I'm not. I have to accept that. That's probably on a spiritual maturity level I'm not at yet. Either way, for me that anger over the pain that I had seen combined with other mixed up emotions didn't exactly leave me praising God. But, God being who He is, let me throw my temper tantrums and complain and I felt Him saying, "Ok, are you done now?" Hearing His voice, rather, caring enough to try hearing His voice since then hasn't returned to what it was. There has been quite a disconnect since then. All I will say is I'm getting better, but I'm thankful He's patient. . . .
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